I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for four years. In the decade since I escaped my abusive partner, I’ve largely moved on with my life and am in a healthy marriage.

My ex started dating someone else shortly after we split, and though I do not know her, we travel in the same professional circles. I’ve overheard people say things like, “She was supposed to come out for drinks, but of course she won’t come — she always has some excuse.” In my abusive relationship, part of my partner’s set of control tactics was to isolate me from my friends, family and professional connections. I know in my gut that my ex has not changed, and that his new partner is most likely in a similar situation. I was finally empowered to leave my ex after I saw his brother behave similarly with his own girlfriend, and I spoke to her to compare our experiences.

I keep mentally writing my ex’s new partner an anonymous email that says: “It’s not you, it’s him. For every time you’ve been made to feel like your desires for connection and community are wrong, I want you to know that they are not. His control over you is abuse that you do not deserve in any way.”

I am confident that my heart is in the right place. But I am also aware that to reach out, even anonymously, would be to insert myself into someone else’s life and to risk re-exposing myself. Do I have a moral obligation to share my experience with this stranger,9x999 or should I mind my own business? — Name Withheld

The claim against Dr. Pines comes after a series of plagiarism accusations have been leveled at academics — many of them focused on diversity efforts in universities and many of them Black — in recent months. Most notably, anonymous plagiarism allegations against Claudine Gay, the former Harvard president, were among the factors that led to her resignation early this year.

From the Ethicist:

The ethics of intervening in other people’s lives, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, can run into a tangle of complications. In this case, the act of sharing your experiences carries its own risks. You need to decide, in particular, whether your ex still poses a threat to you. But I do hope you can safely find a way to help this woman.

Your concern springs from an important truth: You are uniquely positioned to understand her situation, knowing the emotional terrain of his particular brand of abuse. The trouble is that an anonymous warning could feel creepy (“Who is this person surveilling my life?”) or condescending (“What gives this stranger the right to judge me?”). Think about whether, in your own case, an unsigned email from some mysterious address would have had the same effect as the conversations that liberated you. The power of shared experience lies not just in the information exchanged but in the human connection that lends it weight.

We are having trouble retrieving the article content.

Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.

Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.

Thank you for your patience while we verify access.

Already a subscriber? Log in.

Want all of The Times? Subscribe.kitonpg